Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
