my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
