i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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