Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
