my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
