also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
