First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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