I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
