maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
That accounts for only three of the penises
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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