So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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