She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
