I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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