You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
