I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
