I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
