Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Randomize
