He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize