Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
My ass is underappreciated
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
