He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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