when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
