So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
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Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
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There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
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