Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
