apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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