Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
