Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
