all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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