bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
