Pants 0. Shit 1.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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