He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
