I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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