Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
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