Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
