I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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