Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
