He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
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GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
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I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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