I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
