my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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