she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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