I am spending my child support on dildos
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Randomize