i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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