I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
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