She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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