after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Randomize
