Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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