She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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