bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
