I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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