I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
