Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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