Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
