I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
