I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Randomize
