When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
