saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Randomize
