It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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