the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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