Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
