i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
