What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
